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Monday, 9 January 2017

an honest post about how i'm feeling.




Hi loves, how are you all doing? This blogpost is just going to be very raw, and honest so it's up to you if you want to carry on reading.....

Today marks four weeks since my lovely Mum passed away. I'm not gonna lie, I have been up and down up and down ever since she got ill right up to this day. It's been really hard. Every single girl needs their Mum, and I just happen to be that girl who rings their Mum for pretty much everything. I miss spending time with her, and just hearing her voice.

I definitely don't want to waste a whole year feeling sorry for myself, because I can't control certain things that happen in life, and I can definitely say that I did everything I could. I'm not sure if it's normal feeling the way I feel, but I no longer want to feel like this anymore.

I just have to keep telling myself that my Mum was lucky enough to not be tortured by this nasty disease that just literally came out of nowhere. I understand that some people suffer for many years, and that's really sad but I'm glad she didn't have to go through all that pain and suffering.

If there's one thing that inspires me about my mum is that the fact that she didn't lose her shit the day they started speculating what she may have up until the day we found out the results to her illness. It was crazy, she just sat there and was calm. She prayed a lot so I think that has a lot to do with it, but she wasn't scared at all. I just sat there crying my eyes out while my son sat on my lap. I will never forget this-- because she looked at me and said: ha oynin hoyo, everyhing's going to be okay which means "don't cry, mama, everything's going to be okay" Sure i felt awful for crying in front of her, but i just couldn't help it. Literally the thought of losing her made me sick to my stomach.

But she was happy despite everything that was happening. She always remained hopeful, and prayed even when she was in pain. We all prayed for her. Man, she was loved. So loved.

Also, some of my friends still don't know, and I just can't get myself to answer their phone calls. I don't know, something about answering calls gives me major anxiety. If you know me-- you know that I prefer speaking on the phone to texting, but recently... I just can't get myself to answer any phone calls or face time unless you're one of my siblings or you already know the news. I can't and don't want to be going back to the beginning and explaining everything all over again. So I just avoid phone calls.

Last year, I achieved every major goal that I set for myself, and for Lucas. And this year, I have decided that I am not going to waste a year feeling sorry for myself. I believe whatever I feed my brain turns into my reality, so this week, I'm being mindful of what I say to myself. I know that my Mum wouldn't want to see me unhappy, and sad all the time. I have set myself some goals for this week...

Here's somethings that'll help me get back the right mindset:

1. Wake up early
2. Drinking more water
3. Nourish my body
4. Read more motivational books
5. Spend less time on social media.
6. Exercise more
7. Teach Lucas something new
8. Go out. Leave the house
9. Write in my journal
10. Self-love

By doing this, I know that I will have a productive day. There will be no time for thinking about things from the past. Sad memories from the past is not adding any value to my life, so why waste time on them!

Have a happy Monday!!!

x

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