Friday, 13 January 2017

130am thoughts

It's 1:30am here and I can't sleep to save my life. I try my best to feel relaxed before I go to sleep but my brain loves to run wild around this time. I am feeling so hot in this duvet and so thirsty so after I write this post, I should chug a big glass of water, maybe that'll help me go to sleep better.. 

im just rambling btw.. So do carry on if you want 

Today has been a blah day. I really could not be arsed whatsoever. The only thing that got me out of bed is literally my son. I have to dress him, feed him, play with him and just be a good mum to him but if I had my way I would literally go back to sleep. I can't get back the woman who I love the most, so everything I do just seems pointless, tbh,

Like I said, some days are good and other days are bad. I definitely had one of my bad days again today. I try not to. I've been doing so well and then it just hits me. 

Lucas is a gem. He is so lovely and affectionate. Tells me he loves me about 100x a day lol, the cutest thing ever and I love him for that He speaks about my Mother like she is still here. (I believe her energy is still here in the universe) But he also tells me that "hoyo is not poorly, anymore..she is better now" and I really don't know where he got that from because I haven't had that talk with him yet. Don't get me wrong, he's a smart little dude but I just don't want to kill his memory of my Mum. So i just let him-- whenever he wants to talk about hoyo, or remembers something she used to do for him, I let him embrace it. He's got a good bloody memory, I will tell you that much. 

Tonight, I listened to all of my Mums voice notes again, as I always do. I'm glad I have them. Then you have my camera roll-- it's filled with her laughing and joking around...I also have loads of snaps of her with those silly snapchat filters and she used to just laugh at me for doing them lol. It really does cheer me up. It just makes me miss her ten times more.

Death is a weird thing, and I've never thought about it as much as I am after losing my own Mum so sudden. I'm not scared of it.. The only thing that freaks me out about it is--: you just don't know who's next. So love the people who are close to you hard.


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