Friday, 13 January 2017

130am thoughts

It's 1:30am here and I can't sleep to save my life. I try my best to feel relaxed before I go to sleep but my brain loves to run wild around this time. I am feeling so hot in this duvet and so thirsty so after I write this post, I should chug a big glass of water, maybe that'll help me go to sleep better.. 

im just rambling btw.. So do carry on if you want 

Today has been a blah day. I really could not be arsed whatsoever. The only thing that got me out of bed is literally my son. I have to dress him, feed him, play with him and just be a good mum to him but if I had my way I would literally go back to sleep. I can't get back the woman who I love the most, so everything I do just seems pointless, tbh,

Like I said, some days are good and other days are bad. I definitely had one of my bad days again today. I try not to. I've been doing so well and then it just hits me. 

Lucas is a gem. He is so lovely and affectionate. Tells me he loves me about 100x a day lol, the cutest thing ever and I love him for that He speaks about my Mother like she is still here. (I believe her energy is still here in the universe) But he also tells me that "hoyo is not poorly, anymore..she is better now" and I really don't know where he got that from because I haven't had that talk with him yet. Don't get me wrong, he's a smart little dude but I just don't want to kill his memory of my Mum. So i just let him-- whenever he wants to talk about hoyo, or remembers something she used to do for him, I let him embrace it. He's got a good bloody memory, I will tell you that much. 

Tonight, I listened to all of my Mums voice notes again, as I always do. I'm glad I have them. Then you have my camera roll-- it's filled with her laughing and joking around...I also have loads of snaps of her with those silly snapchat filters and she used to just laugh at me for doing them lol. It really does cheer me up. It just makes me miss her ten times more.

Death is a weird thing, and I've never thought about it as much as I am after losing my own Mum so sudden. I'm not scared of it.. The only thing that freaks me out about it is--: you just don't know who's next. So love the people who are close to you hard.


Monday, 9 January 2017

an honest post about how i'm feeling.

Hi loves, how are you all doing? This blogpost is just going to be very raw, and honest so it's up to you if you want to carry on reading.....

Today marks four weeks since my lovely Mum passed away. I'm not gonna lie, I have been up and down up and down ever since she got ill right up to this day. It's been really hard. Every single girl needs their Mum, and I just happen to be that girl who rings their Mum for pretty much everything. I miss spending time with her, and just hearing her voice.

I definitely don't want to waste a whole year feeling sorry for myself, because I can't control certain things that happen in life, and I can definitely say that I did everything I could. I'm not sure if it's normal feeling the way I feel, but I no longer want to feel like this anymore.

I just have to keep telling myself that my Mum was lucky enough to not be tortured by this nasty disease that just literally came out of nowhere. I understand that some people suffer for many years, and that's really sad but I'm glad she didn't have to go through all that pain and suffering.

If there's one thing that inspires me about my mum is that the fact that she didn't lose her shit the day they started speculating what she may have up until the day we found out the results to her illness. It was crazy, she just sat there and was calm. She prayed a lot so I think that has a lot to do with it, but she wasn't scared at all. I just sat there crying my eyes out while my son sat on my lap. I will never forget this-- because she looked at me and said: ha oynin hoyo, everyhing's going to be okay which means "don't cry, mama, everything's going to be okay" Sure i felt awful for crying in front of her, but i just couldn't help it. Literally the thought of losing her made me sick to my stomach.

But she was happy despite everything that was happening. She always remained hopeful, and prayed even when she was in pain. We all prayed for her. Man, she was loved. So loved.

Also, some of my friends still don't know, and I just can't get myself to answer their phone calls. I don't know, something about answering calls gives me major anxiety. If you know me-- you know that I prefer speaking on the phone to texting, but recently... I just can't get myself to answer any phone calls or face time unless you're one of my siblings or you already know the news. I can't and don't want to be going back to the beginning and explaining everything all over again. So I just avoid phone calls.

Last year, I achieved every major goal that I set for myself, and for Lucas. And this year, I have decided that I am not going to waste a year feeling sorry for myself. I believe whatever I feed my brain turns into my reality, so this week, I'm being mindful of what I say to myself. I know that my Mum wouldn't want to see me unhappy, and sad all the time. I have set myself some goals for this week...

Here's somethings that'll help me get back the right mindset:

1. Wake up early
2. Drinking more water
3. Nourish my body
4. Read more motivational books
5. Spend less time on social media.
6. Exercise more
7. Teach Lucas something new
8. Go out. Leave the house
9. Write in my journal
10. Self-love

By doing this, I know that I will have a productive day. There will be no time for thinking about things from the past. Sad memories from the past is not adding any value to my life, so why waste time on them!

Have a happy Monday!!!


Sunday, 1 January 2017

Thankful as fuck

Hope you have all had an amaaaaazing first day of a brand new-- new Year!!!

Last night, I prepared myself. I trained my mind to just let it be. To not feel guilty. To feel blessed for another year on this wonderful earth. To be grateful. I have been writing in my gratitude journal since last year, and it really does help. When I think of my lovely Mother, I have decided to only think of the way I remember her. I have decided to only think of the happy memories, and her beautiful laugh. I have decided to protect and cherish all the good things she did. I hug those memories so close.  And it makes me smile. Writing lists and keeping busy also makes thee biggest difference, so  that's what I have been doing behind the scene of life.

How did you celebrate your night??

We celebrated by staying in, waking up feeling good, and cooking the bessssst Sunday roast. Can any other parents relate? There's nothing better than being with family. Did anyone else do that? Or are we just old folks, lol!

About that mouth-watering roast dinner we had-- I wish I took a picture of the way we prepared everything, and set it out because I promise you-- you would've appreciated it. But no, I couldn't wait.  I was too hungry to get my phone out. 

Also, does anyone else have a FUSSY toddler?? Lucas won't eat pretty much anything I give him, unless it's a sweet or a chocolate cake. Or cornflakes. I am banning that stuff this year, completely. Why can't family members just accept the way you want to raise your kid instead of always spooling the kid with sweets? Not everyday make things difficult for me lol. It actually makes me so sad because he never eats things like that normally.  All I want him to eat is healthy food, and he's really not into it.

Anyway, there's not much left of the first of January. I hope you've celebrated your fake birthday (if you know, you know) lol.

See you in my next post,