Saturday, 31 December 2016

dear, hoyo

It's the last day of 2016. I wanted to write a message for my dearest Mother. She was such an incredible person. Also....you may read this and feel sorry for me but I promise you that I am not looking for sympathy. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I will be okay. Writing this, makes me feel a whole lot better than keeping it to myself as I can't sleep at night. I lost my mum three nearly weeks ago now. I can't stop relieving it. It's the worst thing to ever happen to my family.  She didn't look ill. She still looked like herself. She just started getting pain on the the left side of her body, and just like that...We found out the result of her illness, we blinked, and she was gone. but I don't want to go into too much details about that right now, because I am still trying to understand it.

Dear Hoyo (Mum) I always reach out for my phone wanting to call you, or i'll send a snapchat to you, thinking that you'll watch it or reply back with one of your usual blurry pictures. But deep down i know that, that's never going to happen. And then my heart sinks. I feel like i'm living in a nightmare. I hate the fact that my brain is always reminding me that you will not be at home. I will not hear your infectious laugh from upstairs. I will never smell your delicious food. I will never be able to hear you speaking so loudly, and freely on the phone. African mums for ya. And I will never hear you calling my name, or one of my siblings name. That house has never been the same without you. It's even empty when you just pop to the shop.  It's like we can feel that you have truly left us. The atmosphere is depressing, and can you imagine what Abo (dad) must be going through right now? Not has he lost his dad this year, but four months later, he lost you too. That's fucked up.

I miss you, like everyday. It feels weird to enter another year, without you counting down with us. Or me calling you to say "sanat, wanagsan" aka happy new year.  It still feels so surreal, mum. I literally feel like i am dreaming. I know you don't want me to cry, but I really cannot help it. Even though i'm still so fucking angry, I'm happy that you wasn't in pain for long. You gave us every single piece of you. You always put us first. I feel privileged for knowing you for 20-something years. And If I could give you  a soul, I would give you mine. Everyone would, because you are just what we needed on this earth.

Mum, you are loved by many. Lots of your friends came to pay their respect, and way too many people we have never met before but knew you through the act of your kindness came to bring food, and drinks and prayed for you. The amount of love you received was overwhelming. People we have never heard of called the house phone and spoke about you in such a lovely manner. Even though it was a nice thing to do-- it was just another reminder that you have left this earth. It makes me happy to know that you have made a difference in so many peoples lives, and impacted them in so many different ways. 

I know i've told you this MANY times, but I wish I could get another chance to just tell you how much of a great Mother you have been to us. I wish I could hug and kiss you one more time. I wish I could comb your hair, and cream your feet just one more time. I wish I could make you my famous caano shaah (tea) that you loved, just one more time. You may have left this earth, physically, but you will never be forgotten. We are still half of you. All 13 of us. And the grandkids still talk about you too, even though they don't quite understand what's happening yet. They associate pretty much everything with you, lol. Lucas and Sumayyah always tell me stories about the foods you used to make. They miss your canjero. You showered all of us with so much love, and I will forever be grateful to have met such a remarkable woman, like yourself, Mum! The grankids will always remember everything you did for them, even if it was something so small. You were all your siblings favourite, even your Mums, lol. You didn't hear this from me!

You are always with me in my heart. I know that you are guiding me. I will forever remember you as the STRONG, HEALTHY, VIBRANT African queen that you are. You was full of love, and patience, Mum. Even though we drove you crazy, you never gave up on us. We have so many memories together, and i will always cherish your laugh, and the fact that you were the only one who used to laugh at my dry jokes. 

It gives me comfort to know that you are no longer suffering. You are in peace now, hoyo.  And you passed so peacefully, too. You are no longer in pain. I hope that you are now relaxing, and catching up on all those sleepless nights.

I don't know when this pain will end, and when I will actually accept that you are gone, but for now...I will just remember and live in the happy memories.

I'm sad that I couldn't give you all while you were on this earth, but I am praying for you, and I will make you proud, and when we meet some day, I will give you everything that you deserve and beyond. 

If you've read this, hug your mum for me. Don't take your parents for granted. Love them while they're here on this earth.

I love you so much, hoyo. rest in peace my angel <3

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