Thursday, 9 February 2017

let's go on an adventure, darling.

OH HEY NEW DOMAIN!!!! Yes, I am soooo happy to finally have my OWN brand new name! I networked with loads of bloggers, and did my research with the whole thing, and asked around who the best company to go with and all that jazz was. Setting it up wasn't heard either, uhm...Thank GOD for youtube tutorials on how to set it up without crying myself to sleep. And also one more thing before I start the actual post...I just want to shout out from the bottom of my heart a BIG thank you to the agents over on go daddy as they've been more than helpful to me and my clumsy self. Can you believed I did a typo the first time I bought my domain? I didn't even spell check lol! Such a dumb mistake too...thankfully they were able to fix it for me!

Lucas wakes up every morning screaming either "I AM HUNGRY" or "Are we going on an adventure today? Pleaaaase, MUMMY. PLEASE" an adventure to him means: taking his scooter out and heading to the library. Oh, how to be a child again. So that is exactly what we did. I love that he adds "adventure" to things he wants to do, lol! He is a simple, sassy dude these days.

The weather has been horrid these days, and it seems like there's nothing fun for us to do outside as it's either WAY too cold or raining, so we literally just scoot away to the library if we get too bored at home. It is so much fun for him to go there too, he loves it, and it's a nice way to meet other Mums.

What do you get up too when the weather is crappy?

Friday, 13 January 2017

130am thoughts

It's 1:30am here and I can't sleep to save my life. I try my best to feel relaxed before I go to sleep but my brain loves to run wild around this time. I am feeling so hot in this duvet and so thirsty so after I write this post, I should chug a big glass of water, maybe that'll help me go to sleep better.. 

im just rambling btw.. So do carry on if you want 

Today has been a blah day. I really could not be arsed whatsoever. The only thing that got me out of bed is literally my son. I have to dress him, feed him, play with him and just be a good mum to him but if I had my way I would literally go back to sleep. I can't get back the woman who I love the most, so everything I do just seems pointless, tbh,

Like I said, some days are good and other days are bad. I definitely had one of my bad days again today. I try not to. I've been doing so well and then it just hits me. 

Lucas is a gem. He is so lovely and affectionate. Tells me he loves me about 100x a day lol, the cutest thing ever and I love him for that He speaks about my Mother like she is still here. (I believe her energy is still here in the universe) But he also tells me that "hoyo is not poorly, anymore..she is better now" and I really don't know where he got that from because I haven't had that talk with him yet. Don't get me wrong, he's a smart little dude but I just don't want to kill his memory of my Mum. So i just let him-- whenever he wants to talk about hoyo, or remembers something she used to do for him, I let him embrace it. He's got a good bloody memory, I will tell you that much. 

Tonight, I listened to all of my Mums voice notes again, as I always do. I'm glad I have them. Then you have my camera roll-- it's filled with her laughing and joking around...I also have loads of snaps of her with those silly snapchat filters and she used to just laugh at me for doing them lol. It really does cheer me up. It just makes me miss her ten times more.

Death is a weird thing, and I've never thought about it as much as I am after losing my own Mum so sudden. I'm not scared of it.. The only thing that freaks me out about it is--: you just don't know who's next. So love the people who are close to you hard.


Monday, 9 January 2017

an honest post about how i'm feeling.

Hi loves, how are you all doing? This blogpost is just going to be very raw, and honest so it's up to you if you want to carry on reading.....

Today marks four weeks since my lovely Mum passed away. I'm not gonna lie, I have been up and down up and down ever since she got ill right up to this day. It's been really hard. Every single girl needs their Mum, and I just happen to be that girl who rings their Mum for pretty much everything. I miss spending time with her, and just hearing her voice.

I definitely don't want to waste a whole year feeling sorry for myself, because I can't control certain things that happen in life, and I can definitely say that I did everything I could. I'm not sure if it's normal feeling the way I feel, but I no longer want to feel like this anymore.

I just have to keep telling myself that my Mum was lucky enough to not be tortured by this nasty disease that just literally came out of nowhere. I understand that some people suffer for many years, and that's really sad but I'm glad she didn't have to go through all that pain and suffering.

If there's one thing that inspires me about my mum is that the fact that she didn't lose her shit the day they started speculating what she may have up until the day we found out the results to her illness. It was crazy, she just sat there and was calm. She prayed a lot so I think that has a lot to do with it, but she wasn't scared at all. I just sat there crying my eyes out while my son sat on my lap. I will never forget this-- because she looked at me and said: ha oynin hoyo, everyhing's going to be okay which means "don't cry, mama, everything's going to be okay" Sure i felt awful for crying in front of her, but i just couldn't help it. Literally the thought of losing her made me sick to my stomach.

But she was happy despite everything that was happening. She always remained hopeful, and prayed even when she was in pain. We all prayed for her. Man, she was loved. So loved.

Also, some of my friends still don't know, and I just can't get myself to answer their phone calls. I don't know, something about answering calls gives me major anxiety. If you know me-- you know that I prefer speaking on the phone to texting, but recently... I just can't get myself to answer any phone calls or face time unless you're one of my siblings or you already know the news. I can't and don't want to be going back to the beginning and explaining everything all over again. So I just avoid phone calls.

Last year, I achieved every major goal that I set for myself, and for Lucas. And this year, I have decided that I am not going to waste a year feeling sorry for myself. I believe whatever I feed my brain turns into my reality, so this week, I'm being mindful of what I say to myself. I know that my Mum wouldn't want to see me unhappy, and sad all the time. I have set myself some goals for this week...

Here's somethings that'll help me get back the right mindset:

1. Wake up early
2. Drinking more water
3. Nourish my body
4. Read more motivational books
5. Spend less time on social media.
6. Exercise more
7. Teach Lucas something new
8. Go out. Leave the house
9. Write in my journal
10. Self-love

By doing this, I know that I will have a productive day. There will be no time for thinking about things from the past. Sad memories from the past is not adding any value to my life, so why waste time on them!

Have a happy Monday!!!


Sunday, 1 January 2017

Thankful as fuck

Hope you have all had an amaaaaazing first day of a brand new-- new Year!!!

Last night, I prepared myself. I trained my mind to just let it be. To not feel guilty. To feel blessed for another year on this wonderful earth. To be grateful. I have been writing in my gratitude journal since last year, and it really does help. When I think of my lovely Mother, I have decided to only think of the way I remember her. I have decided to only think of the happy memories, and her beautiful laugh. I have decided to protect and cherish all the good things she did. I hug those memories so close.  And it makes me smile. Writing lists and keeping busy also makes thee biggest difference, so  that's what I have been doing behind the scene of life.

How did you celebrate your night??

We celebrated by staying in, waking up feeling good, and cooking the bessssst Sunday roast. Can any other parents relate? There's nothing better than being with family. Did anyone else do that? Or are we just old folks, lol!

About that mouth-watering roast dinner we had-- I wish I took a picture of the way we prepared everything, and set it out because I promise you-- you would've appreciated it. But no, I couldn't wait.  I was too hungry to get my phone out. 

Also, does anyone else have a FUSSY toddler?? Lucas won't eat pretty much anything I give him, unless it's a sweet or a chocolate cake. Or cornflakes. I am banning that stuff this year, completely. Why can't family members just accept the way you want to raise your kid instead of always spooling the kid with sweets? Not everyday make things difficult for me lol. It actually makes me so sad because he never eats things like that normally.  All I want him to eat is healthy food, and he's really not into it.

Anyway, there's not much left of the first of January. I hope you've celebrated your fake birthday (if you know, you know) lol.

See you in my next post, 


Saturday, 31 December 2016

dear, hoyo

It's the last day of 2016. I wanted to write a message for my dearest Mother. She was such an incredible person. Also....you may read this and feel sorry for me but I promise you that I am not looking for sympathy. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I will be okay. Writing this, makes me feel a whole lot better than keeping it to myself as I can't sleep at night. I lost my mum three nearly weeks ago now. I can't stop relieving it. It's the worst thing to ever happen to my family.  She didn't look ill. She still looked like herself. She just started getting pain on the the left side of her body, and just like that...We found out the result of her illness, we blinked, and she was gone. but I don't want to go into too much details about that right now, because I am still trying to understand it.

Dear Hoyo (Mum) I always reach out for my phone wanting to call you, or i'll send a snapchat to you, thinking that you'll watch it or reply back with one of your usual blurry pictures. But deep down i know that, that's never going to happen. And then my heart sinks. I feel like i'm living in a nightmare. I hate the fact that my brain is always reminding me that you will not be at home. I will not hear your infectious laugh from upstairs. I will never smell your delicious food. I will never be able to hear you speaking so loudly, and freely on the phone. African mums for ya. And I will never hear you calling my name, or one of my siblings name. That house has never been the same without you. It's even empty when you just pop to the shop.  It's like we can feel that you have truly left us. The atmosphere is depressing, and can you imagine what Abo (dad) must be going through right now? Not has he lost his dad this year, but four months later, he lost you too. That's fucked up.

I miss you, like everyday. It feels weird to enter another year, without you counting down with us. Or me calling you to say "sanat, wanagsan" aka happy new year.  It still feels so surreal, mum. I literally feel like i am dreaming. I know you don't want me to cry, but I really cannot help it. Even though i'm still so fucking angry, I'm happy that you wasn't in pain for long. You gave us every single piece of you. You always put us first. I feel privileged for knowing you for 20-something years. And If I could give you  a soul, I would give you mine. Everyone would, because you are just what we needed on this earth.

Mum, you are loved by many. Lots of your friends came to pay their respect, and way too many people we have never met before but knew you through the act of your kindness came to bring food, and drinks and prayed for you. The amount of love you received was overwhelming. People we have never heard of called the house phone and spoke about you in such a lovely manner. Even though it was a nice thing to do-- it was just another reminder that you have left this earth. It makes me happy to know that you have made a difference in so many peoples lives, and impacted them in so many different ways. 

I know i've told you this MANY times, but I wish I could get another chance to just tell you how much of a great Mother you have been to us. I wish I could hug and kiss you one more time. I wish I could comb your hair, and cream your feet just one more time. I wish I could make you my famous caano shaah (tea) that you loved, just one more time. You may have left this earth, physically, but you will never be forgotten. We are still half of you. All 13 of us. And the grandkids still talk about you too, even though they don't quite understand what's happening yet. They associate pretty much everything with you, lol. Lucas and Sumayyah always tell me stories about the foods you used to make. They miss your canjero. You showered all of us with so much love, and I will forever be grateful to have met such a remarkable woman, like yourself, Mum! The grankids will always remember everything you did for them, even if it was something so small. You were all your siblings favourite, even your Mums, lol. You didn't hear this from me!

You are always with me in my heart. I know that you are guiding me. I will forever remember you as the STRONG, HEALTHY, VIBRANT African queen that you are. You was full of love, and patience, Mum. Even though we drove you crazy, you never gave up on us. We have so many memories together, and i will always cherish your laugh, and the fact that you were the only one who used to laugh at my dry jokes. 

It gives me comfort to know that you are no longer suffering. You are in peace now, hoyo.  And you passed so peacefully, too. You are no longer in pain. I hope that you are now relaxing, and catching up on all those sleepless nights.

I don't know when this pain will end, and when I will actually accept that you are gone, but for now...I will just remember and live in the happy memories.

I'm sad that I couldn't give you all while you were on this earth, but I am praying for you, and I will make you proud, and when we meet some day, I will give you everything that you deserve and beyond. 

If you've read this, hug your mum for me. Don't take your parents for granted. Love them while they're here on this earth.

I love you so much, hoyo. rest in peace my angel <3

Monday, 19 December 2016

I miss you

i can't believe that it has already been a week since I received the worst phone call of my entire life. This shocked me so hard I don't think I can ever get over it. I am still having nightmares about it. What will I do without the strongest person that I have ever known? This is something I have never imagined happening to me or my family. Of course I haven't. Why would I? You don't sit there wishing or thinking bad stuff happens to someone you love unconditionally, do you? I think not. 

Sometimes in life things happen when you're least expecting it. Whether it's good or bad but in this situation, I'm so f'ing angry. I'm angry at everything. I kinda know what I'm angry at but at the same time I don't know if I really should be angry, if that even makes any sense? It's kinda getting late now but I will write a long post in hopes that I feel better about my situation by letting it all out. I am 100% sure that I am not the only one going through this feeling of emptiness either. I am sure there is many of us out there who's going through the same pain which btw I do not wish on my worst enemy.

I am trying to smile and be positive, but it is just so f'ing painful. My brain reminds me every few seconds. Literally. 

Anyway, I'll have more time writing this blogpost as its a bit late but I thought I would post this one anyway, hope you have all been doing good. x